peacemaker i

i have been carrying all of my babies on my hips since i was born screaming

more as the flesh on my newborn hip dissolved more with each polio drop

when i crash my body into a doorframe the sorries pour from my mouth

a salve for my child the guilt of a mother forgetting her motherhood for a moment

the guilt of a mother asking babe is it ethical for us to have kids

rocking my unbornfirstborn against my fidgeting is it ethical to have kids after peshawar

my forehead pressed against the Kaaba i feel my babies climb up my back press

noses against me hands on my head ya allah let me deliver safely deliver safety

maybe my babies are a fever dream one where i miscarry my never-was sister

maybe my babies are a promise a fixture a reminder that if not my babies

someone’s babies maybe my babies are our babies all dark curls lashes and hooded eyes

maybe my babies don’t matter not yet but they will

maybe my babies won’t be born for their sake for our sake

maybe the pain in my back on my hips crashing eager for vaccines

is a promise a fixture a reminder that if not my babies babies still

held-nurtured-phantom-mothered a reminder that if not my babies

they were/are/will be someone’s somewhere